Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
