Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
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