found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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