You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
