she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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