Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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