mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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