i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
