i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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