Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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