I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
