goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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