Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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