I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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