can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
