I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
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I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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