Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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