I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Randomize
