Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
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