hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
