I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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