Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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