I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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