There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
