It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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