Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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