My cat gives me a boner
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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