Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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