hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Randomize
