Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
