Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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