im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
You're like the curious george of whores
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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