I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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