Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
