you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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