my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
