I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
