I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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