Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Too much gin, very little bucket
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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