I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
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