11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
