what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
