They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
