My sheets look like a crime scene.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
