I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
