It's what's on the inside that counts(972): They probably have big open vaginas so the inside is no good
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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