We're facebook friends in real life
I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
