I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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