My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
