Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
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I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
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My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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