His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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