did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
