I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I will die if light touches me.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
