don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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