My liver just broke up with me...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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