The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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