I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
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