I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
