either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
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