Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
