I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
