nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Randomize
