Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
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