Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
