I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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